Princess, how is the maze today?

Well Prince, not is all that it seems in the maze. Sometimes I talk to people and they make me realise that the universe still exists outside of here and I so want to rejoin them again as me. I want to be a part of our universe, even if I am merely an inconsequential cog in a giant mechanism that has no true function except to function. When you are in the maze you feel tiny, insignificant, like a single dust mote floating through a vast hall. I thought this was a sanctuary, but already it’s starting to feel like a straight-jacket.

You realise now that you have much to live for Princess?

Prince, today I did feel alive! I fell over whilst I was out running through muddy ruts in an overgrown field. It was wonderful! I cut my hands and scraped my knees. The blood I let was brighter than the midsummer sun. The pain was beautiful!

I am trying to picture you running in muddy fields Princess…

Don’t be so old-fashioned Prince. A princess today can do anything she wants. Running in muddy fields puts me in touch with mother earth. However hard you wash away the mud when you finish, you can still feel it on your skin, even when you can’t see it. This contact with the earth, it grounds me at a time I want to float away into the ether, to slowly disintegrate into a billion separate particles and anonymously roam the skies with the wind.

I would prefer you to remain earthbound Princess.

But for months now I have felt numb in this earth-bound life Prince. I have had to shut down my own humanity in order to survive. My needs have been squashed down into a tiny box buried deep under my self. I have become a machine. My one goal – to make sure my children do not suffer from this experience as I once did as a child. Even though I have thrust this experience upon them, I want to save them from it.
And falling over helped you rediscover your own humanity Princess?
It just made me feel. The pain brought me back to me. The dusty taste in my mouth was bitter. It was iron. The scrape was sharp and intense, my knees stiff after. I can understand now how some people can hurt themselves purposefully just to try and feel alive. To inflict pain on themselves just to stop the nothingness. To try and stop the numbness with something. Anything.

Princess, I am getting worried about you.

Well I’m not about to start self-harming myself if that’s what you mean Prince, but don’t you see – today I understood how people may choose to do this. How sometimes the only thing that can make you feel good is pain. Without pain there is no life. We are made from love and yet we are born in pain. Maybe all these people want is to rediscover a love to light their lives that is as strong as their mother’s love; a star to shine down on them, the hand of friendship to be extended to them. Yet they are trapped in their own numbness, too. The pain brings them into contact with death, and so it enables them to live. For life without death is not life. Whereas before today I may have condemned such an action, now I can understand where it may come from.

Princess, I understand too. So running really is good for you?

Prince, during this experience I have learnt to run faster and faster and to make myself go further and further. The people I run with have become a family to me, protecting me from the world outside the maze without even realising it. I admit it is a little unconventional for a princess to spend so much time running, but it allows me to go to a place where I can be who I want to be. When you run with these people, over hills that are desperately beautiful, you then realise what true happiness can mean. No one wants anything from you, and you have nothing to give except your energy into the earth. The life force that binds us to our planet feels so strong, and you are finally truly free from the constraints that our lives slowly suffocate us with. It feels as if no one or no thing can touch you or expect from you. You become the individual you were born to be, but have forgotten.

I must try this running sometime Princess. Why do I suspect that you are now going to tell me there are some things you cannot run from?

I run more and more Prince, and it allows me a freedom that nothing else does at the moment, as when you run you can choose to not think. And even though I am tired – so weary it feels that I haven’t slept for a thousand lifetimes - I don’t want to stop running. But when you stop, your problems creep back into your mind. I think I have to learn to change the way I run. If I do this, I think I will change the way I live. Instead of being cautious, I need to run a few races with a slightly more risky strategy. Maybe if I run so hard that I could fail, it may mean I am running hard enough to succeed?

Princess, only you know how far you can push yourself.

Well that’s a sore point and I DON’T want to talk about it.

Are you sure Princess?

You know full well Prince that I haven’t pushed myself for years…

Dear Princess, I intend to book some tickets for the Globe Theatre, during July or August. Leaving about 3pm on the train, dinner before the performance, home late. I was wondering if you would be my guest. Prince

Dear Prince, sounds lovely. Not sure about being home late; will have to ask my fairy godmother... Princess

Dear Princess, if you ask your fairy godmother she will tell you that you have to be home before midnight; which you might not. You will have to persuade her to bend the rules a little. Just a thought; I think glass slippers would not be comfortable for walking around London. Prince

Well dear Prince, my fairy godmother is a busy lady and I can’t get hold of her. It’s not just arriving home late, and the consequences that may bring… we’re not just talking about a riches to rags story here but a whole knock-on domino effect that may last up to a week after our soiree. If I’m home late I will be tired when I pick up my three daughters from fairy godmother the next day. Coping with a moody nine-year-old, a hyperactive seven-year-old and a whingy three-year-old is difficult even on 10 hours of sleep. And if I have even one small glass of champagne I am guaranteed to have a night of broken sleep which makes the prospect of childcare for above three demanding (sorry, I mean highly spirited) children. What I’m really worried about is the emotional implications of going to the theatre with you Prince, whilst still living with my husband (I must hasten to add that even though I am still living with my husband we have been separated for five months and are getting divorced; for the duration I have been sleeping on the floor in hyperactive seven-year-old’s room). It’s complicated. Princess

Dear Princess
Life often is complicated. Your fairy godmother may tell you that things will get better, but often they have to get worse first. Believe me I know; I got divorced myself five years ago. We could just ditch the Globe and take the kids for a picnic down the beach instead if that’s easier? Prince

Prince. No. I do not want to pass up the opportunity to go out for once and have FUN. Life has been difficult and if I am honest with you (I know we hardly know each other but I need to say this to someone) I feel like I am drowning in the sadness of the end of my marriage. Its true that I hadn’t been happy for years and maybe I’ve sacrificed too much of me in order to keep all the other people in my family happy, but you never expect the end to be like this. I understand that this life experience brings anger and pain, but no-one could have prepared me for the darkness that has usurped my heart. Sorrowfully…Princess

Dear Princess
You are in a dark place at the moment, but eventually life will get lighter. It seems you are thinking deeply about your experience. You must remember that some questions have no answers… Prince

Well Prince, you are right; and some answers are not really answers, are they? The trouble is this experience has made me question who I am, to the very core. I was watching my pet rabbit today and when it is hot he lies in the shade, and when the biting winter wind whistles into his cage he huddles in his straw. He is conditioned to do this and accepts his lot unquestioningly (that is, assuming that rabbits do not question their existence. Do you think that maybe they do Prince?). Us slightly more evolved creatures weren’t just put here to lie in the shade or hide in the straw though, were we Prince? And now I find myself in a glaring heat that I can find no shade from, and yet inside the icy chill that has bent my heart has frozen me into this place that I don’t want to be in anymore. I am trapped. What would you suggest? Princess

Dear Princess

Life can indeed be both very hot and very cold. But Princess, you have forgotten that there is a great range of temperatures in between. What is it that stops you from stepping out of the heat into the shade, if only for a short while? Prince

Oh Prince, if only it were so simple. Just to be able to let go, sit down and rest in your shade. How heavenly the thought! I fear the shade though. Does if offer me respite or will it mark the beginning of another life experience that is entered with naïve, beautiful enthusiasm only to turn to sacrifice, pain and want? Just as I cannot afford the luxury of crumbling under the pain that suffocates my being, I cannot afford the luxury of resting in your shade. Sorry, Princess

Dear Princess
I think I understand. You are in an emotional maze; you cannot grieve for what is lost, and you cannot yet move on. You’ve lost your heart Princess. You will find it again though. That I can promise, as I was in that maze and I made my way out. Many others did the same before me. Many, many will do the same after you. Prince

But Prince, I am not sure I want to find my way out at the moment? At least in this maze I am safe from all the people out there outside of the maze. Princess

Dear Princess, is there anything I can say to show you that the outside of the maze is OK?

NO

Dear Princess, then if you could say but one thing now, what would it be? Prince

Dear Prince. This is easy; just let me go. Please, just let me go…

Princess, of course I will let you go. I hate to see you suffer so, Prince

Not you silly, the other one, Princess.